Je abstinenca res odpovedovanje?

Pogosto slišim, ali preberem, da se mora odvisnik odpovedati svoji "drogi" oziroma substanci, če želi živeti normalno in kvalitetno. Saj v bistvu to drži, na splošno se s tem strinjam. A če pogledam globlji pomen takšnega razmišljanja, pa se mi porodi vprašanje, ali je abstinenca odvisnika res odpovedovanje nečemu?
 
Želja ali potreba?

Kaj sploh pomeni nečemu se odpovedati? Meni se zdi, da je pravi pomen besede "odpovedati se", da želenega ne dobim ali tega nimam več. Po takšni interpretaciji pa abstinenca naj ne bi bila odpoved substanci, kajti ali si res želim uživati to substanco? Morda imam na začetku poti iz odvisnosti občutek, da "želim" še naprej uživati substanco, ampak mislim, da to niti ni tista prava "želja", ampak je v bistvu potreba. Zadovoljevanje te potrebe pa mi je zameglilo razum, prekrilo vsa čustva in občutke, morda ne takoj na začetku, ampak po nekaj letih uživanja substance pa dejansko nisem več "trezno" videl sveta okrog sebe, tudi nisem več dojemal pravega pomena življenja in dela. Si tega "želim"?

Se splača živeti “udobno”?
 
Zadovoljevanje te potrebe je zahtevalo vse več časa, energije, sredstev in še marsičesa. In ker sem zadovoljevanje potrebe po substanci kar hitro postavil na prvo mesto svoje prioritetne lestvice, je vse drugo postalo drugotnega pomena. Vse, kar bi mi lahko izpolnjevalo življenje in mi dajalo občutek zadovoljstva. Stopil sem v svet laži in zavajanja. Zavajanja vseh v svoji bližini, a v končni fazi sem zavajal le sam sebe. In kako sem se "znal" prepričati, da ne gre drugače. Kup laži, ki sem jih pretvoril v opravičljive razloge, zakaj je moje početje pravilno, celo edino možno. V takšnem svetu ni luči oziroma svetlobe, vsaj tiste prave ne. Je zgolj tema, depresija, obup… Pa vendar sem napel vse sile, za vztrajanje v tem. Da, danes lahko tako gledam, ampak ko sem bil v tem svetu, mi je substanca preprečila vsakršno možnost vpogleda v resnico. Verjetno je niti nisem želel videti. Ker če bi videl pravo resnico, bi moral nekaj storiti. To pa je težko, ker to ni zgolj opravilo ali proces, ki traja dan, dva. Zato mi je bilo bolj "udobno" nadaljevati to početje. Ne pravim, da je bilo boljše, bolj udobno pa vsekakor. Nikoli me ni bilo strah "dela" ali napora. Ampak strah me ni bilo "dela", ki ga lahko načrtujem, izvedem in dobim rezultat. Pri odvisnosti pa žal ni teh smernic. Ni načrtovanja, izvedba je nejasna, rezultat pa zelo vprašljiv. Da sploh ne omenim časovnega okvira, kako dolgo bo to trajalo. Zakaj potem ne bi živel "udobno", če pa mi substanca to omogoča. Kakšna zabloda je bila to pri meni. Sem se pač prepričal, da bom zdravilo jemal do smrti in to je to. Seveda, ampak ali bom do te smrti sploh živel? Ali bom zgolj životaril in na nekakšen način samo preživljal dneve. Preživljal in ne živel. Potem je popolnoma vseeno, kdaj nastopi ta "smrt", do katere bom užival zdravilo. Danes, jutri ali čez nekaj let. Ker življenja ni več, ker je vsak dan enak včerajšnjemu in verjetno tudi jutrišnjemu. Vse skupaj je samo čakanje, čeprav sploh ne vem, na kaj sem čakal. Na smrt, “odrešitev”…?

Nov začetek je tudi konec
 
Torej je verjetno zdravljenje in abstinenca edina pot, ki me lahko spet pripelje v življenje. Potem abstinenca sploh ni odpovedovanje nečemu, ampak zgolj možnost, da dobim nekaj, čemur sem se odpovedal s tem, ko sem začel uživati substanco. Torej začetek abstiniranja v resnici pomeni konec odpovedovanja. To pa se sliši bolj pozitivno. Vsekakor je lahko večja motivacija, da nekaj storim, če je odpovedovanja končno konec.



Verjetno tale prispevek sploh ne vsebuje prav veliko koristnega in je le obračanje besed. Ne vem, moj namen sicer to ni. Mi pa sproži zavedanje, kako smo ljudje nagnjeni k občutku "trpljenja". Kako se znamo prepričati, da smo vedno za nekaj prikrajšani. Jaz pa danes vendarle verjamem in čutim, da sploh ni treba živeti z občutkom, da sem vedno za nekaj prikrajšan. Le, da dolgo nisem znal opaziti lepote vsega okrog sebe, lepote življenja in sveta. In sem s tem sam sebe "prikrajšal" za življenje v pravem pomenu. Prisotno je bilo le garanje, odpovedovanje in “prikrajševanje”, ki pa v končni fazi ni prineslo prav veliko, odneslo pa marsikaj.
 
Ni treba, da se čemu odpovem, da začnem uživati življenje. Tudi ni potrebno, da najprej nekaj dobim, da lahko potem začnem uživati. Vse to mi je na dosegu vsak dan. Zakaj potem to prepričanje, ki je bilo tako dolgo prisotno, da si moram vse prislužiti, zaslužiti, plačati, kupiti…? Lepote, ki mi jih ponuja življenje, so brezplačne, tudi, če bi jih želel plačati, verjetno to sploh ni možno.

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